Inspired by another's blog...

A friend of mine recently wrote an interesting blog, opening up and sharing herself. She challenged others to do so also, so here goes.

Some of my general likes: I like cheese. I enjoy coffee every morning. I like sci-fi, and fantasy movies and tv shows. I enjoy being by myself. I like the first cold front in the Fall. I like the first fresh Spring day. I like trying new foods. Physically I like people that are interesting to look at rather than typical beauty. I like a big nose on a man or a woman that is not a typical model-like beauty. I hate that Pamela Anderson/Hollywood definition of beauty. It's very fake. I enjoy sunrises and sunsets. I like traveling to colder climates over tropical climates. I love animals. I love people watching. I like the sound of the ocean, but am afraid of the ocean. I love people that aren't afraid to be an individual. (freaks and geeks!) I love the sound of crickets and frogs. I love getting dressed up and going out for a nice dinner. I love singing in the car. I love the excitement I feel when I am on a plane and going somewhere new. I love the smell and sounds of faire. I like to read but am overwhelmed when I go to a bookstore. I love listening to live music. I like flowers. I like chicken but don't care much for beef. I wish I could go on the show "The Amazing Race".

My general dislikes: I don't like ketchup. I don't like rude people. I hate fake people. I hate that I cry too easily. I don't like wearing shoes in the house. I don't care much for hot summers. I hate it if I get an eggshell in my eggs or a bone in my fish, yuck! I don't like grocery shopping. I hate bugs. I hate a messy house. I really don't like processed junk food like twinkies or hostess cupcakes, it tastes like chemicals to me. I hate people that kiss the boss's ass. I hate lazy people at work. I don't know why but I can't stand Jennifer Lopez. I hate asshole drivers. I hate road construction. I hate it when people are always late. I don't like raw onions, but I like cooked onions. I don't like the fact that this once great country has become a joke to the rest of the world.

I am shy, but can be quite outgoing at times. I care about what people think. But on the other hand I don't care if I embarrass myself around strangers. I am a bit of a neat freak. I like things to be in their place. Clutter drives me crazy. (right now my house is driving me nuts) I am not a phone person, as many of you well know. I have to sleep with a fan on or a sound machine. I am a morning person. There is just something about being up early in the morning when people are still slumbering but the world is awakening... It's as if I am experiencing something others are missing. I like taking naps, but feel guilty when I do. I feel like I should live alone because other people's habits get on my nerves and I like my house to be clean and in order. I love thunderstoms and would one day like to go tornado chasing. I drink too much sometimes. I drink to calm my nerves in social situations. I drink sometimes because it helps to alleviate pain. I love food and I eat too much. I don't care much about designer clothes, but I like designer handbags. I never wear high heels. I like buying things for people and do so to show my love or affection, especially if I feel awkward showing physical affection. I try my best to spell words correctly, but don't always catch my mistakes. I don't like confrontation, but I want communication. I don't understand why men don't talk about their feelings or emotions in general. Seems like men just want to prove their intelligence by retaining irrelevant facts that do nothing to help them in relating to other human beings. I don't understand people that are homophobic. I am nothing like I was when I was in high school. I have turned my back on organized religion. I am computer challenged. I hate it when I can't understand something. I hate it when I feel like someone is talking down to me. I worry too much. I don't understand it when people say they are proud to be "white" or proud to be "black", etc. What are you proud of? You were born that way. Pride should come from something you accomplished, or worked hard to achieve or overcome. It sounds so silly to me. I often feel like I don't fit in. I suffer from anxiety and depression. I can be a total goofball! I can be a girly-girl. I can also get dirty and do hard work. I am not good in relationships. I push people away when I feel I have nothing to give or when I feel worthless. I have many regrets. I honestly don't understand people that have no regrets. How can you honestly be happy with every single decision you made in your life? Come on. We make mistakes and I wish I could go back and change the ones where I hurt other people. Sure we learn from our choices and mistakes, but some of them I would take back in a heartbeat.

I can't stand it when people wear sunglasses indoors. What the fuck, you think you're a rockstar or something? I get sick of people that brag about themselves incessantly. Quit tooting your own horn already! I don't like playing games or lying in relationships. If a guy cheats on me, I'm not so juvenile that I go cheat on them. I hate people that have no manners in public. It's like the human race is going in the opposite direction. We have become more crude, rude, lacking in social etiquette, and selfish. I believe in tipping waiters, waitresses, bartenders, and other service workers very well. I hate taking my truck to get fixed, I always feel like I am being ripped off! I don't mind washing clothes, I just hate folding and putting them away. I used to love to cook, but now it hurts too much to stand in the kitchen. I get along with animals better than with people. I believe in life on other planets. I think true romance or love is elusive and experienced by few. I think people become complacent in life and become stagnant. I believe we don't fight or stand for anything anymore and just go about our everyday lives.

I hate myself and love myself too. I hate my bad habits. I watch too many idiotic television shows, I will procrastinate. I have social phobias and fears. I hate my lack of confidence. I hate when I am lazy. I hate that there are times I want to show affection to someone and I hold back because of some irrational fear. I love the fact that I want to continue to change. I love the fact that I try to keep my mind open to new ideas and new ways of thinking. I love that I care about people in need. I love for my house to feel like a home and keeping it clean. I love art, music, books, and photography. I wish I could be an interior designer or a photographer.

Physically I hate being so tall. I hate my smile so I try to hide it in pictures. I hate other parts of my body. I hate that I cannot control my weight better. I was ridiculed throughout my life for being tall, fat, the space in my teeth, etc. I feel my only good physical features are my eyes and hair. I am intimidated by pretty women. I get intimidated by extremely intelligent people. But I believe I have a quick wit and I'm funny, with a sarcastic twist.

I am upset that our family has grown so far apart. I miss my daughter, but I feel sometimes that I am a disappointment to her. I've missed out on so much... I miss my mom every day. I hate the fact that I was a selfish rude teenager and pushed her away. Just when I was really starting to appreciate her as my mother and getting to know and truly love her, she left me.

I know I talk too much about having RA. I know some people are sick of hearing about it. But what am I supposed to do? It has taken away the good parts of me. I used to be a hard worker. I used to be able to work 40 plus hours a week. I would cook dinner, and clean house. I would mow the lawn, and take care of the yard. I would spontaneously redecorate a room. I would walk my dogs. I used to love taking road trips or just go to Galveston for the day. I used to go to every festival or faire that I could. I used to go out at night and have fun. I used to love throwing parties and going to other peoples' parties. I used to love going for bike rides. I would challenge myself to do things or fix things. I would help friends when they needed it. I can hardly do any of these things anymore. RA has stolen a huge part of my life.

I wish I could have a home in the country and one in the city. I hate the suburbs. The people are close-minded, brain washed by religion, and have no desire to change. That's a generality. I want a house in the country because I love nature, I love animals, I'd like to have a fabulous garden, and have some horses. I would like a home in the city to experience culture, music, nightlife, and fine food.

I'm am confused about religion, the after-life, god, etc. Part of this is because religion has caused violence, war, and hatred. It closes people's minds to knowledge, advancement and growth as human beings. I believe there is a god. I don't believe it is the god that mankind has created to control our thoughts and freedom of thinking. I was taught in church not to question, have faith and be a devoted follower. Conform.

I wish for a better world, but have little faith in humanity. I wish I could do my part in some small way. I don't understand why there have been no cures for diseases in recent times. I believe there are cures for diseases, but there is no money in cures... I sometimes believe in conspiracy theories. I believe there has been contact with other life forms. (crazy I know!) I believe our government has many secrets. I am scared for this country's future.

I wish I could travel the world. I love experiencing new cultures. I am in awe as to the many wonders of this world. I wish I could achieve true happiness or joy. I wish I could give happiness to people that truly deserve it.

I miss the naivete' of my childhood. I also miss the security I felt as a child. I miss making homemade Christmas decorations with my mom and Christmas mornings opening presents with family. I miss home cooked meals at the dinner table and sharing our day with each other. I miss my grandparents basement. My brother and sister and I had so much fun playing and dancing around in that basement. I miss hearing the adults talking in the kitchen as we played in the living room. I miss the sound of my grandparents refrigerator running as it lulled us to sleep in our sleeping bags in the other room. I miss making forts or tents out of blankets in our bedrooms. My mom would let us take all of the canned goods from the pantry so we could play "store" outside on the porch. We grew up poor and never realized it until we were grown. I am afraid of my future. I hate not knowing if I will have a roof over my head in the future. I could end up homeless or living in some shithole on disability. I am not scared of dying. I am scared of living and not being able to take care of myself or being a burden to society and my family.

I feel I am a good person, but wish I could be better.