I don't know what's going on inside my head. I keep having such random thoughts, like a television changing channels. It gets so overwhelming. I can't concentrate on one thought. I can't read anything without my mind wandering off to who knows where...
I know that I am in some kind of funk. I pretty much closed myself off in the bedroom most of the weekend. Partly due to the pain coming back and partly from feeling worthless and depressed. I hate getting dressed to go anywhere. It seems like such a chore. Most of my clothes don't fit me anymore. I don't want anyone to see me.
One minute I'm excited about something, the next I'm so fucking depressed, I think about not being here... I sit and try to define who I am, and I can't do it. Why am I here? I'm of no help to anyone anymore. I have no talents to share with anyone. I'm just an average person with a disability. That's it.
One minute I'm thinking of maybe finding a career that I could actually do, then the RA pain comes back and I realize how foolish I am to think I could work a full time job. The Remicade is not working. I had about 2 good weeks. Now the pain is coming back. The severe pain again. I am so lost and confused. My head is so full of random thoughts, ideas, gloom, hope, happiness, despair... I try to sleep to escape the pain and the thoughts and anxiety inside my head. I can't control my thoughts anymore and it's driving me crazy.
I visualize scenarios of my life in my head. Then things don't go at all like I'd hoped and I'm disappointed. I rehash things from my past and it causes anxiety and panic attacks. I need to pull myself together...
