I don't know what's going on inside my head. I keep having such random thoughts, like a television changing channels. It gets so overwhelming. I can't concentrate on one thought. I can't read anything without my mind wandering off to who knows where...
I know that I am in some kind of funk. I pretty much closed myself off in the bedroom most of the weekend. Partly due to the pain coming back and partly from feeling worthless and depressed. I hate getting dressed to go anywhere. It seems like such a chore. Most of my clothes don't fit me anymore. I don't want anyone to see me.
One minute I'm excited about something, the next I'm so fucking depressed, I think about not being here... I sit and try to define who I am, and I can't do it. Why am I here? I'm of no help to anyone anymore. I have no talents to share with anyone. I'm just an average person with a disability. That's it.
One minute I'm thinking of maybe finding a career that I could actually do, then the RA pain comes back and I realize how foolish I am to think I could work a full time job. The Remicade is not working. I had about 2 good weeks. Now the pain is coming back. The severe pain again. I am so lost and confused. My head is so full of random thoughts, ideas, gloom, hope, happiness, despair... I try to sleep to escape the pain and the thoughts and anxiety inside my head. I can't control my thoughts anymore and it's driving me crazy.
I visualize scenarios of my life in my head. Then things don't go at all like I'd hoped and I'm disappointed. I rehash things from my past and it causes anxiety and panic attacks. I need to pull myself together...
5 comments:
Part of the problem may be the medication. How are the classes going? Hey even if you can't get a job using these skills, you are still learning something. And it may help you in some other way.
And you can't do anything about the past and you have no real control over the future. So just worry about today! Why make today miserable worry about something in the past you can't change? LET IT GO!
dear you who told u that just because u cannot do something for some people around u, that makes u worthless. may b u hve done so much already in this life or may b in ur past life ....now its their turn to do something for u. u simply relax...jus feel greatful to them...and let them feel greatful to u that u allow them to do something for u. and a woman who writes so well ....is not without talent..... only today in the morning my mamma was telling me that when god loves someone he gives situations that r very painful n hard to get out from so that we r reminded of Him and not forget to talk to Him or love him......i know its difficult to say god i love u .... so fight with Him... he deserves it doesnt he?He is our bestEST friend.
hve u ever tried meditation. it gives a lot of peace and can stop the mind from running in all the directions together.
love.
I am trying to work on myself. I'm learning to build self-confidence. It's difficult, because on the inside I am such a jumbled mess. I want to be a good friend to the important people in my life. I want them to feel important also.
Who wants to be around someone that is depressing and self-loathing? No one. I know I need to change my way of thinking. I will do so, it will just take time... I need to realize that I deserve and want happiness. I need to have positive people in my life.
I know I am missing something in my life. It may be spirituality, God, goals, perspective, I'm not sure. I know one thing. I do not want to keep going like I am.
Thank you!
sometimes I wonder if we are kindred spirits or something michelle. your thoughts are so very similar to thoughts I have had myself. I am sure it is pretty common to feel this way in one point or another in your life.
you are not worthless. you are a great friend. you are hilarious. you are a beautiful writer. you are smart, witty, strange (in that really great way), beautiful, insightful, caring and a little twisted. my life would be very different had I not found you in this crazy ass world!
hang in there. the crap an the blessings in this world are like the ocean, they have a tendency to wax and wane. Just wait a while, the tide will change. As a matter of fact, it seems like it is already heading in the other direction.
jenny
Wow, thanks Jenny. I didn't expect that.
I have thought the same thing about you also. I never thought I would find such a great friend on a message board! I love your sense of humor, and you're an inspiration as a mother!
I look forward to the day we can meet and laugh together!
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