Random thoughts

I don't know what's going on inside my head. I keep having such random thoughts, like a television changing channels. It gets so overwhelming. I can't concentrate on one thought. I can't read anything without my mind wandering off to who knows where...

I know that I am in some kind of funk. I pretty much closed myself off in the bedroom most of the weekend. Partly due to the pain coming back and partly from feeling worthless and depressed. I hate getting dressed to go anywhere. It seems like such a chore. Most of my clothes don't fit me anymore. I don't want anyone to see me.

One minute I'm excited about something, the next I'm so fucking depressed, I think about not being here... I sit and try to define who I am, and I can't do it. Why am I here? I'm of no help to anyone anymore. I have no talents to share with anyone. I'm just an average person with a disability. That's it.

One minute I'm thinking of maybe finding a career that I could actually do, then the RA pain comes back and I realize how foolish I am to think I could work a full time job. The Remicade is not working. I had about 2 good weeks. Now the pain is coming back. The severe pain again. I am so lost and confused. My head is so full of random thoughts, ideas, gloom, hope, happiness, despair... I try to sleep to escape the pain and the thoughts and anxiety inside my head. I can't control my thoughts anymore and it's driving me crazy.

I visualize scenarios of my life in my head. Then things don't go at all like I'd hoped and I'm disappointed. I rehash things from my past and it causes anxiety and panic attacks. I need to pull myself together...

Me

Today I was awakened by my furry companions. Each day they wake me wanting to run in the yard, then to come in for their breakfast and treats. After this I shuffled off to the bathroom to complete my morning routine. I looked in the mirror. I truly looked at myself and did not recognize the image looking back at me. When did I start looking like this?

I see the fine lines around my eyes. The deeper lines around the mouth. I smile and more lines... My skin appears dull, lifeless, I notice age spots. The gray hair, there seems to be more and more of them. Time, stress, and a hard life has caught up with me. Inside I do not feel much older than I did at 20. Why is age so cruel to women? Men are attractive as they age. Women are criticized, and go through so much to remain ageless.

Physically my body does feel old. RA does that to you. I can't do the things I used to enjoy. I can no longer ride a bike, play basketball, garden, or be spontaneous. On a whim I would totally rearrange all the furniture in a room. Moving couches, chairs, entire entertainment centers, all on my own, because I wanted a new look to the room. I used to enjoy walking my dogs around the neighborhood. I remember hiking, and camping doing fun things outdoors. How life has changed.

Things have changed emotionally and intellectually for me also. I feel wiser than I did when I was 20. When a person is young you tend to feel invincible. You take more risks, not worry as much. Now I worry about my future, paying bills, finding my place in the world. I still enjoy having fun, silly fun. Juvenile humor still makes me laugh as well as witty intelligent humor. When I was young I wanted to just have fun. Go out with friends. Now I tend to be a homebody. I have a yearning for knowledge now also.

The change in the mirror reflects the changes in my life.